Grieving with Hope

In December 1984, a young man transferred to the restaurant I worked at. I didn't think much of him, at first, but along with him came his mother.

She was a nurse, and she'd come into the restaurant before or after her shift a few times a week. I got to know her quite well. Charming. Witty. Caring.

We all really enjoyed her, and she became my friend.

She continued to be my friend, even as I began to date her son (I eventually began to think quite highly of him!). And then in April 1988, she became my mother-in-law.

Over the years, we've had our times of joy and of sorrow, times when we adored each other, times when we didn't want to be in the same room. But I've been blessed to call her my friend for almost 25 years and my "mother-in-love" for over 21 years.

If you've been reading my blog, you know my mother-in-law, Ruth, has been in ill health for several weeks. I'm blessed to write that yesterday morning at 6:30, she ended her earthly battle and was ushered into the presence of her Savior.

And even though I've lost loved ones before, Paul's words to the Thessalonians became that much more real to me. I don't have to grieve as those without hope. I have hope in the knowledge that Ruth is with Jesus and I'll see her again.

When Russ and I went to pick up Ruth's personal things yesterday, the case worker, Mary, told us how, when she'd gone to "pay her last respects," Ruth had such a look of peace on her face and even had a slight smile. In her over 20 years in long-term health, Mary had never seen such peace.

What joy, what hope it gives me to know that Ruth really is at peace . . . and maybe that slight smile was because, just as she left her earthly body, she saw Jesus, waiting for her with arms wide open.

So I'm sad at losing this woman who's been an important part of my life, but I have hope. And a lot of it!

A New Insight

I may have written this before, but don't you just love it when you read something you've read before and see something new and wonderful?

That happened last week for me. I was reading Proverbs 3, and kind of rushed through verses 5-6. I knew them by heart, so why linger? Then I read verses 7-8, and something struck me that hadn't before. Those four verses go together and provide a wonderful guide for living. In case you don't know them:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear [revere] the Lord and depart from evil.
It will be health to your flesh,
And strength to your bones.

This is what struck me anew, this guide for living (for me, at least!):

• Trust in the Lord. Look at how He's worked in your life, and remember His faithfulness.
• Don't try to figure it out yourself. His ways and thoughts really are higher than yours!
• Give everything to Him, and He'll direct you. He loves you and will always lead you and protect you.
• Don't try to be self-wise. You may not know as much as you think you do!
• Give reverent awe to God. He is sovereign and worthy of all glory, honor, and praise.
• Turn away from anything that isn't of God. Don't even give the enemy a toehold!
• Focus on Him and be spiritually healed and physically refreshed. Trust Him to give you daily strength, and He will (I speak from experience!).

I pray you spend time in God's word every day. I also pray for new insights for you as well.

Do Not Delay!

I sense a theme lately in my entries . . . lots of talk about roller coasters and complaining . . .

It's been a really, really rough season, and it continues.

I've never experienced walking alongside someone in her last stages of life, so each day is unique. The medical professionals can only "guess" at what's happening because each person ends his or her journey differently. There have been many times lately when I wonder what God's doing. What could the purpose possibly be in Ruth's struggle?

If you're new to my blog, Ruth is my mother-in-law, and she's terminally ill. For the last three months, we've watched her improve and decline, improve a bit, then decline a lot. She's very confused now, and her mind isn't functioning well. It's really hard to watch.

I feel like a small, tiny worm for saying what I'm going to say next. In light of what she's going through my "temporary affliction" is minor. But even though medication is helping my own health issues somewhat, the stress of watching Ruth struggle is exacerbating the symptoms.

It's just hard, and those of you who have been through something similar know exactly what I mean.

It's times like this when I know I need to delve deeply into the Bible and stay in constant contact with the Lord. If I don't, I risk becoming distant from Him. I know myself all too well. So I'm being diligent about my time with Him. I've been spending a lot of time in the Psalms lately, and I so appreciate how the psalmists, especially David, had no fear of crying out to God. I recently read Psalm 70, and I found myself meditating on verse 5:

But I am afflicted and needy;
Hasten to me, O God!
You are my help and my deliverer;
O LORD, do not delay.

That's exactly how I feel. This is my prayer for both Ruth and me. Hasten to me, Lord! Please, do not delay!!

Maybe you're going through something really difficult. Feel free to share my prayer.

God has Heard

I really try not to whine . . . at least not too much.

But sometimes, life really kicks me to the curb, and I can't help wondering if God really hears me. You know those days when you pray, and you realize the old cliche is really true: Your prayers don't go any higher than the ceiling.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had more than one day like that.

I watch my mother-in-law decline physically and mentally, and I pray for her suffering to end. But it doesn't.

I wake up feeling like a huge weight is pressing me down, and I pray for supernatural energy. But I don't get it.

I hear my husband talk, seemingly still far from faith, and I pray for his heart to soften. But nothing changes.

And so I whine a bit. I wonder, does God really hear me? And then, because I try to continue any Bible study or reading even when I don't feel like it, God reminds me: He really does hear me. He's just working in ways I can't see.

He also reminds me of His past faithfulness to me. It's times like this when I have to look back on what He's done and see the purpose in everything that's happened in my life.

I still watch Ruth with sadness. I still have daily fatigue and pain. I still grieve for Russ's lack of faith. That's my human side. But I just have to believe, although I don't see the purpose today, a day will come when I'll better understand today's suffering and frustration.

I'll leave you with some verses from Psalm 55. These touched my heart this week. I hope they'll touch yours too.

Come and hear, all who fear God,
And I will tell of what He has done for my soul.
I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
If I regard wickedness in my heart,
The Lord will not hear;
But certainly God has heard;
He has given heed to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer
Nor His lovingkindness from me.
(16-20)

Gratitude

I'm really, really blessed. Really.

Although, on the surface, it doesn't necessarily look that way.

As I've mentioned in past entries, things have been tough, and it looks like the next several weeks (months?) are going to be just as tough. My mother-in-law's health continues to slowly decline, and only the Lord knows the number of her days. The roller coaster continues to take us up and down and around those emotional curves.

I've felt more pain and weariness lately, and I've had to take a step out of a few areas of ministry, which has been really hard for me.

Yes, it's been hard, but I'm really, really blessed.

Just this morning, I was reminded of how blessed I am with wonderful, caring, sincerely loving friends. I know they're praying for me. They share my burdens.

What a blessing!

And then I found out that my fight against the insurance company for a medication is over . . . and I won!!

What a blessing!

Oh, and I'm going to be an honorary grandma again!!

So even with the slow loss of Ruth, even with ongoing health problems, even with the uncertainty of just living, I'm blessed.

Thank You, Lord, for each splash of joy You bring to my life. Thank You for blessings that far outweigh the difficulties. You are so good. Thank You!

Our Refuge and Our Strength

David knew a lot about the need for a refuge and for strength. He wrote quite a few psalms about this very topic. And each time, rather than finding a refuge in something--or someone--here on earth, he found his refuge in the Lord. Rather than deriving his strength from himself, he found his strength in the Lord.

One of my favorite psalms tells me that "God is our refuge and our strength, a present help in trouble." (46:1)

I've been needing a refuge lately. My roller-coaster of a life continues, and more moments than I can say have had me crying out to God and seeking shelter in His arms. I've found great comfort in knowing His arms are ready to envelop me with His love.

His refuge offers a shelter from the storm.

I've written before that there are days when I just don't think I can do it on my own, and on those days, I reach out my hand and ask for a supernatural strength. This verse affirms that I will receive that strength--even if it's just enough to get through one day at a time.

His strength gives the ability to walk through the storm.

I don't know about you, but this reminder--from a well-known and well-loved verse--was exactly what I needed this morning.

I pray it encourages you as well.

A Roller Coaster Ride

I love roller coasters as much as the next person. The anticipation as you go up, up, up . . . and the drop of the stomach--which is a good thing!--as you plunge at the speed of light . . . or so it seems. (For those of you who hate roller coasters, I apologize!) The curves, the loop-di-loops.

It's a rush of adrenaline and a touch of fear all wrapped up together. But all but the most diehard eventually want to get off the ride.

Sometimes life feels like a roller coaster, but one without an end.

The last few weeks have been that way for me.

My ride started a few weeks ago with a severe virus that kicked the stuffing out of me. Just as I was beginning to recover from that, Ruth, my mother-in-law, who's battling cancer, experienced some pretty scary complications. The stress from my illness and her declining health triggered a flare-up of a chronic condition I struggle with.

Over the last 12 days, we've watched Ruth decline and improve and decline and improve. It's been painful. We're still not sure what the prognosis is, but it appears the cancer may be winning.

Up and down. Lefts and rights.

The roller coaster continues, and for now, there's no end to the ride in sight.

Hope in God's Word

I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And I cry for help;
I hope in Your word.
Psalm 119:147

Mornings can be tough for many of us. I know they can be tough for me sometimes.

A sleepless night.

Anticipation of a stressful day at work.

Do you often wake up, pause for a moment, and then just turn over and pull the covers over your head? Well, maybe not literally, but certainly figuratively?

What do you do when you wake up with fear, with worry, with concerns?

The Bible tells us. We can hope in God's word. But here's the catch: You need to know His word.

When you know what God says about protecting you and providing for you, you can have hope. When you know verses that say that Jesus has overcome the world, you can have hope. When you know that the Bible says that God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble, you can have hope.

The more you know of God and His word, the more you can have confidence that, when you wake in need of help, you can have hope in God's word.

From Hope: Devotions for Finding Hope in Every Situation (c) 2007 Sauni Rinehart.

I Love the Lord!!

What a day this has been. I mentioned a blog or two ago that I'm going through Beth Moore's Esther study, and it's been pretty wonderful.

This morning's study was an eye-opener: She compared us with Haman.

Yes! Haman!!

If you know the story, it's not a compliment!!

As I continued meditating on her God-inspired words, I realized that a weakness of mine--pride--could make me into a Haman. Gasp!! Some of those words cut straight to my heart.

Over the last year or so, the Holy Spirit has really been working on my heart regarding pride, and this morning, I prayed fervently that the Lord would continue to refine me in this area. As I was praying about a particular struggle, the Spirit revealed something to me that was a total breakthrough. It was so amazing, it made me cry.

I know I'll sometimes fail, the flesh will sometimes prevail.

But what an amazing answer to something I've struggled with and prayer for . . . for so long! God is good, and I just love Him!!

Disappointed, but Not Discouraged

I regularly listen to a podcast produced by In Touch Ministries, and recently something Charles Stanley said really stuck in my mind.

He said that it's okay to be disappointed, but it's not okay to be discouraged.

In the last couple of weeks, I experienced first hand what this means . . . twice.

I won't bore you with the details, but two times, something I really desired and had prayed for didn't happen the way I wanted. And I was really disappointed. I would rather have had things turn out differently, but because I know God is in loving control and is completely trustworthy, I didn't become discouraged.

Many times in the Bible, we're told to take courage. In fact, that's really what "encourage" means: to give or instill courage. And thus the opposite--discourage--is to take or lose courage. So when I feel discouraged, I'm losing courage in the love God has for me. I'm failing to trust Him.

And that's sin.

Being disappointed is human. We can't help feeling a bit sad when something goes against our desire or plan. But we can keep from being discouraged by going to the Lord, expressing our disappointment, and thanking Him for His faithfulness.

If we trust Him, really trust Him, we can handle any disappointment with the assurance that, if we didn't get what we wanted, it was for our best.

A Warrior Princess

I usually don't include quotes from other writers or speakers in my blog, but I'm going through Beth Moore's study on Esther with women from my church. I've read the book of Esther many times, and I often include parts of her story when I speak.

I love how God reveals new things, though (that's why I never tire of reading and rereading His word), and I just had to share with you what I learned in today's lesson.

It's week four, day two if you're familiar with this study.

Mordecai has learned of the king's edict, and he's torn his clothes and put on sackcloth. He's mourning the coming annihilation of his people. Esther is told about his wailing, but doesn't know why. She sends the king's eunuch to give him clothes to wear--she doesn't (yet) take the time to find out what's wrong. She just wants to solve the problem. (Sound familiar?)

Beth writes, "If people around us helped us avoid [our problems], we'd quit learning how to deal with difficulty. We'd forget how to cope and we'd crush under the least inconvenience . . . strength comes from muscle, and muscle develops with a workout. This is as true spiritually as physically. What we don't use, we lose."

I've written in previous blogs that we are works in progress; we're being refined as gold. We may not like it, but we know that the end result is worth the pain and suffering.

"As painful as the process may be," Beth concludes, "that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility . . . We are not the fragile flowers we've considered ourselves to be. We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God."

You are not only a beloved daughter of our Father, you are a strong "warrior princess" being refined and grown into the woman God has designed you to be!

Be Still

I've committed Psalm 46:1-2b to memory. It's one of my many favorites, and I love knowing that God is my refuge and strength.

I forgot, though, that another verse I quote often is also from this psalm. Verse 10a says "Be still and know that I am God" (NKJV).

The New American Standard says to "cease striving," and I love what it says in the notes of my study Bible: cease striving means to "let go" or "relax."

I can let go of my worries. I can be still in the moment. I can cease striving to do it on my own. And I can relax knowing that God really is my refuge and strength. He is my very present help in times of trouble and I don't need to fear.

In these uncertain times--a new administration, a stock market that continues its roller coaster ride, lost jobs and homes--it's comforting to know that I can trust Him.

Lord, help me to be still knowing You are God. You are in loving control of all things, and I need not fear. Amen

Brand New Year. Same Old Stuff.

Isn't it the truth?

For some reason, every new year, I somehow think things will change.

Sometimes they do. We plan to exercise more, and guess what? We actually pull the old bike out of the cobwebs in the corner of the garage. We say we're going to eat better, and we add a salad a day to our diet.

But often they don't . . .

Here it is, the 9th day of 2009, and I'm having a really bad day healthwise. I was feeling pretty well for a few weeks, thanks to a new medication that seems to be helping to manage my symptoms . . . But yesterday, I had a migraine (haven't had one in a while), and it triggered a flare up.

Part of me asked, "Why?"

Why didn't it "stick" this time? Why can't I just feel better . . . all the time.

It's interesting how God works. Our theme for the year at work is "Trust."

And I was just telling the Lord that I do trust Him. I trust Him with everything, since it's all His anyway. And if I trust Him with everything, I have to trust Him with my health too. He is worthy of that trust.

And just two days ago, I read a devotional that talked about how we can look at God's fingerprints on our lives to see His faithfulness. And He has been amazingly faithful to me.

So, even though it's a brand new year, and even though I'm faced with some of the same old stuff, once thing remains the same.

The Lord God will never change. His grace and mercy and love will never change. Never.

Happy New Year!

A Christmas Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus,

Words are so inadequate.

I want to thank You for Your willingness to come to earth in human form, to feel hunger and weariness and pain, to experience rejection and betrayal.

I want to thank You for Your willingness to feel the lash of false accusations, to suffer the thorns, to endure the whip, to bear the nails.

I want to thank You for Your willingness to be the sacrifice to cover my sin.

Most of all, I want to thank You for Your willingness to be my living Savior, to walk alongside me through the valleys and atop the mountains of my journey.

I want to thank You for all of this, Lord Jesus.

But, again, words just seem unable to express what's in my heart this Christmas Day.

So one last thank You: Thank You for Your willingness to know what's in my heart and know what words just can't convey.

I love you, Lord Jesus. My Savior, my Redeemer, my gift at Christmas.

Amen

Silent Night

It's the time of year when I'm surrounded with music of the season. I love it! No matter where I go--the grocery store, the mall, my local Target--songs play that speak of Christ's birth. At no other time of the year do we hear such words in public places.

But this morning as Christmas music played in the background, I realized how often the music can become "white noise" and I fail to really think about the words.

My very favorite Christmas song of all is Silent Night. I love to sing it, love to listen to it.

Over the last several days, I've been blessed to sing this song at the end of some speaking engagements. I asked the ladies at the events to sing along, and the last time (mainly because I'm fighting a cold and my throat was pretty sore) I stopped singing and just listened to them sing in lovely harmony.

For the first time in a while, I just listened.

The final verse proclaims:

Silent night, holy night!
Son of God, love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace.
Jesus Lord at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord at Thy birth.

Jesus is the Son of God! He is love's pure light! He is our Redeemer!!

Next time you're listening to your favorite Christmas songs, stop. Really listen to the words that sometimes just become . . . well, just words.

Remember again why Jesus came: To give us peace and joy and, most importantly, redemption!

In God We Trust?

It's on our currency, and we read that motto from our forefathers regularly (those of us, at least, who still use cash!). But right now, the tangible piece of our economy seems to mock us.

I spoke at a lunch recently, and this lovely older lady came to me afterward. She's in a valley right now, and she's struggling. I asked her if she'd seen a counselor, and with tears in her eyes, she said she couldn't afford it. She'd retired last year, and--you guessed it--her retirement portfolio has taken a huge hit . . .

She's not sure how she's going to make it. And there was an underlying question . . . why? She followed Christ. She loved Him and believed that He loved her, too. But she questioned why this was happening.

My heart broke for her.

And frankly, I didn't have a good answer for her.

We live in perilous times, in many ways, unprecedented. My generation and those following have never lived through times such as these.

And beyond that, it seems like so many are suffering--health, marriages, family. Struggles everywhere.

It's hard. Really hard.

I find myself asking the same "why?" And the answer? Because somehow, some way, God is using even this time of uncertainty. Because the bottom line is, do I trust Him? Do I believe He loves me? Do I believe He's in control, even now?

I know this answer. He's proven Himself faithful to me time and time again. And I have to believe He'll always remain faithful.

Yes, even in times like these, maybe especially in times like these, in God we can trust.

God's Little Heartwarmers

If you're a true Christ-follower, you believe in answered prayer. I do. I've seen it. I've seen God answer big prayers--like miraculous healings--and small things--like the perfect parking place.

He often answers with a resounding "yes!" And we rejoice.

Sometimes, He answers with a clear "no." And we may at first grieve, but eventually we often see the purpose behind the "no."

Then of course, there's when He says "wait," which we usually don't like very much.

While I've seen answered prayer (all of the above), it sometimes seems like God is rather silent. It sometimes seems like a lot of time goes by between clearly answered prayers.

God is good, though, and He rewards our patience. Sometimes He, like the loving Father He is, just warms our hearts, through and through.

Over the last few days, I've experienced some of God's "little heartwarmers." He's clearly answered four prayers--two rather big and two rather small. This time, He chose to answer "yes" to each of them. And can I just say, I feel very blessed . . . and very humbled.

I still have many prayers to which He still seems to be saying "no" or "wait." That's okay, though, because He's reminded me again that He will answer.

Keep praying, my friend. Keep listening for His "yes" or His "no" . . . or just keep waiting. He will answer.

God's Good Work in Me

I don't know about you, but I feel far from complete. There are days when I wonder how God can have any patience with me as I come to him (again) with the same prayer (again). I've really been struggling with my health, and I wake up every morning praying for strength for the day. And every day, He answers that prayer.

But some days, I can feel sorry for myself. On better days, I remember that everything I experience is part of God's good work in my life.

My favorite book in the Bible (I may have mentioned this before!) is Philippians. There is so much richness in this short epistle, so many truths. And some of my life verses are contained in it.

Paul starts this letter, as he does many of his others, with a greeting for grace and peace for his recipients. He thanks God for them. Then in verses 4-6, he writes, ". . . always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship of the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

We children of God are works in progress. He is perfecting us, completing us. I've written before about being refined, and I know that trials, pain, suffering, difficulties all are part of that process. And if I want to be complete in Christ, I have to be willing to experience whatever God wills.

So this morning, as I prayed for strength (again), I could do so with that same confidence that Paul had, knowing that God is doing His good work in me and that I will one day be completed, either when He chooses to take me home or when Christ returns.

Thank You, Lord God, for Your refining work. Thank You for Your perfecting work. I pray that You'll fill our hearts with confidence of Your good work. Help us to remember that, as long as we live in Your will, everything we experience will lead us closer to being completed in Jesus Christ.

A Refuge in the Storm

Psalm 62:1-9 is all about God's being our salvation and refuge.

Verses 7 and 8 say:

In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.

I really see this world running down. We live in an unprecedented time. Banks are failing in a way not seen since the "Great Depression." Insurance companies are closing. Companies are declaring bankruptcy. The stock market is dipping and rising like a roller coaster. The housing market continues to fall.

More alarmingly, "celebrity preachers" are "tickling the hears" of hundreds of thousands rather than revealing full truth.

It's a messed up world . . .

Yet, those of us who know God, who have a personal relationship with Jesus, can find refuge from the storm. We can be assured that, no matter what happens, that God is our rock, our stronghold . . . our refuge.

Thank You, Lord God, that You provide refuge for Your children. You are the calm in the midst of the storm. You are the wing under which we can hide. It's easy to get caught up in today's chaos. Help us to live wisely, but always looking to You in faith. Let us not make rash decisions out of fear or worry. Rather, let us follow Your will, knowing that You are in loving control. Be glorified. Amen.

It Breaks My Heart . . .

I've been reading the book of Mark, and I'm in the middle of chapter 14. It's the chapter that includes Jesus's betrayal by Judas. It's very sobering to read how one of His own betrayed Him for pieces of silver.

But you know what?

That's not the saddest part to me. What really breaks my heart is verse 50. The New International Version says it this way. After Judas betrayed Jesus and He was arrested, "Then everyone deserted him and fled."

Everyone.

We assume it was just the other eleven disciples, but maybe it included some of the other followers. In any case, that "everyone" was, at the very least, those eleven who had been following Jesus for three years. They'd broken bread with Him. They'd probably camped out under the stars by His side. They'd seen Him heal the broken. They'd watched Him raise the dead. They knew He was the Christ. And just moments before, Peter said he'd die with Jesus.

And yet, everyone deserted Him. Everyone.

It just breaks my heart.

And I think it broke Jesus's heart too. It think it caused more pain than the beatings He'd receive and from the nails that would be pounded in His flesh.

When I read this verse, I'm convicted of something: I never want to cause Jesus that kind of pain again. I deserted Him once. I spent 20 years fleeing from Him. And I broke His heart, just as those eleven did.

And I never want to do that again.